Confessions of a Retiring Perfectionist
“What would it mean for you not to be in first place?” my coach asked me during one of our sessions on a cold spring day. I stared at my zoom screen in a state of paralysis. I had never asked myself that question before. For my entire life, I insisted on being in first place…or, in total honesty…in being “perfect.” Whether it was sports, academics, career- you name it — I was obsessed with being first. I took so much pride in my perfectionistic tendencies. They were exemplary of control, sophistication, and “togetherness,” characteristics that I thought were stamps to be proud of. It is these same qualities that have both propelled me forward to achieve my wildest professional dreams, and held me back from existing as my most authentic self. For 28 years of my life, I spent time and energy fixating on things that ultimately I couldn’t control, but desperately wanted to.
Beginning in March of 2020, I have been forced to face myself. COVID & BLM prevented me from having any control of my life and ripped my “perfect” world to shreds. In my darkest hours, I came to realize I had a choice…evolve or repeat. I could continue to put immense pressure on myself to be “perfect”, or surrender to the beauty and freedom of imperfection. I chose the latter. Since the spring of 2020, I have been learning to let go. This time in stillness, has taught me that underneath the shield of “perfection,” lies a woman who really enjoys not being perfect. She’s way more relaxed and spontaneous than she ever thought. She’s significantly happier, more honest, loving, trustworthy and present. She breathes deeper, sleeps heavier, laughs harder, and cares less about what the world expects of her, rather than what she chooses for herself.
“Retiring from perfectionism” is the best thing that has ever happened to me. What letting go of perfectionism as taught me is that the opportunity to be in second place is not inferior, but actually one that we should often strive for. Feeling the winning glory of gold can only happen when you have full acceptance that “second” is a construct and equally as profound of an outcome. The pedestal is relative to your internal ability to accept and find gratitude in every moment of your life.
Since accepting what it would mean to not be in first place my mind has been blown on how much relief I have experienced. I have let go of unhealthy relationships, clients, and environments where I would remain in a hamster wheel of trying to “perfect” their unhappiness, rather than focus on my own. The fears that once plagued my mind, have become quiet whispers and faint noises I can tune out. I’ve created space for my most authentic and genuine thoughts to pulsate throughout my body. They often scream so loud that I can’t ignore them… My true and full feelings resonate throughout my mind, body and soul demanding that I show up for them…. and that I show up for myself.
The gift of imperfection is an opportunity for true and meaningful self-love. “Perfection” is an impossible achievement. To strive for perfection means to not know yourself. It is in the process of owning our imperfections that we are able to let go of ego, get to the bottom of who we are, and honor the power of true and radical self-acceptance.
2020 has taught me that I am solely responsible for my happiness and no-one else’s. We can blame environments, people, and work for our unhappiness, but until we take full personal responsibility for our fears, insecurities, egos, and doubts, we will never find it. As we head into this new election, whether it’s Biden or it’s Trump, it will be imperfect. We are imperfect and imperfection exists among us…we have a choice to accept it, be grateful and honor its value or blame, resist and deny.
At 29, I’ve decided to retire my perfectionism. In a recent interview, I was asked “what is the advice you would give your 18-year-old self?” And without hesitation, I knew the answer. It is simply: choose your imperfect self, you have always been enough, exactly as you are.
For anyone reading this who hinders on letting go, let this confession be a sounding board of allyship in your journey of self-love.
“When the ego dies, the soul awakens”
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