This Feels Like…Self Sabotage
I wrote this piece while I was on a “vacation,”…Well… it was not a “true” vacation, it was a day off. I decided to take a Friday off, which therefore extends into the weekend. Historically, I worked on weekends. I often used those two days to catch up on what fell behind during the week. This behavior was not something I was proud of, but until recently, I never had the urgency to stop it.
I began writing this article by hand, to not get distracted by the chaos of my laptop. As I stared out into space, and then back into my blank notebook, I let my mind wander into anxious thoughts. “Should I check my slack? Is it crazy that I’m not looking at my inbox? Maybe just one peak…well, that defeats the point of vacation..but you’re only taking a day off you’re technically on vacation.” I whispered to myself.
“ENOUGH!” I screamed out loud. I had caught myself. “Why do I feel guilty for taking time for ME when I own my own business and know how hard I work?” I wondered.
The answer became very clear… self-sabotage and an addiction to work.
This past month, I decided to re-read the book Rest by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang, and this time it clicked. Whether you are a privileged millennial who subscribes to the “grind,” or you are in service, manufacturing, or production, where long, exhausting shifts are required, due to our horrific wage system that grossly underpays….we are all overworking. America is the most overworked nation in the world. Despite all the extra hours, Americans aren’t more productive for the effort. We have become a society that teaches: the longer one spends working, the more dedicated they are to their work. This is false, or as the New Yorker in me would say: total bullshit.
In my case, overwork is a product of privilege and self-sabotage. It has been the result of being a “member,” of a desperate group of millennial, start-up, entrepreneurs, who have built a belief system that grinding and self-sacrifice is ordinary.
We have created a culture where an individual like myself, one who has started two successful companies by 29, is “exceptional,” or “cool. ” But it’s not cool, it’s fucking nuts. And honestly, while most of us would like to claim we are doing it for the mission or the common good, we are normalizing self-sabotage and using work to distract ourselves from our self-doubt.
For the past 10 years, I have spent more time in states of anxiety and pressure than I have in total relaxation and joy. Why? I never understood, nor was taught the importance of rest. I’ve come to realize there is no pride in overworking and overextension. If you are fortunate enough to have overwork be a choice, it is a form of self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is a reflection of self-worth and frankly, as Pang puts it, it’s inefficient. “You get more done when you work less and when you take deliberate rest. Work and rest are not binaries, one cannot exist without the other.” The key to productivity, energy, brilliant ideas, and a healthier, better quality of life, is learning how to rest and accepting that you are worthy of time off.
Depending on who you ask, self-sabotage can also be labeled: The Upper Limit Problem, as coined by Gay Hendricks. When we hit the upper limit, “meaning when we achieve success, happiness, or wealth, our ego tends to bring us back down within the lines, aka our comfort zone. ” Rather than revel in the exuberance that is rest and leisure, our ego will punish us with negative thoughts of guilt, anxiety, and fear, that ultimately prevent us from recognizing our achievements.
What many of us fortunate individuals fail to realize is that we have a choice when 95% of the world does not. I chose to normalize workaholism. And despite having left work environments that were significantly more toxic and taxing than my work-life now, I still chose to carry those behaviors of over-work into my day-to-day life.
Until now …There is a shift that happens when you recognize that driving yourself into the ground is not a requirement to live a healthy and fulfilling life. And for me, it’s a game-changer. Not only am I more intentional, I am more present, I’m writing again (Hey Medium!) and most importantly, I am signficiantly happier. Money, fame, and recognition are not goals, they’re lines on a checklist that will continue to grow and evolve alongside one’s ego. Privilege shows up in many different ways and forms. For anyone who chooses to work until they collapse, despite their own personal abundance, take this as a friendly reminder that we/you are living in a world where millions of people would trade places with you at any moment to have the security we/you/I have taken for granted.
Fundamentally, an exhausted life is not a badge of glory, but a societal and cultural issue we must face and understand within ourselves. By dispelling the myth that the harder we work the better the outcome, the more likely we will all learn to rest.
